It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
