I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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