Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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