I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
