Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
