I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
