Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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