it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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