so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
