I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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