I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
