I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
