my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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