A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
