And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
