first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
