I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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