Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
