I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
