I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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