Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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