i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
