The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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