rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
