Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
