the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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