I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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