mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
