Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
