i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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