It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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