I smell stomach acid.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
