I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
