My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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