I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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