If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
