i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
