apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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