Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just want nice things and good sex
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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