I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
