Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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