She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
