i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
