Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
