i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
