Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
