the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
