i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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