no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
