i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
