rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ugly people sure do ruin things
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
